Dear Friend (letter: 11.29.18)

29Nov2018

Dear Friend,

Today’s been quite overwhelming for me and I remember an advice saying, “Dwell on feelings of gratitude.” So here I am writing you a letter to thank you for the gift of friendship.

I know you’ve been feeling a lot of things lately with your anxiety kicking in. I wish I could offer some help as I, too, am dealing with it when it pays me a visit. It is bothersome when it does that I wish there’s a quick remedy to get rid of it like when we drink antihistamine when we get allergic to something. But unlike physiological distress or disturbance, emotional and mental struggles are harder to manage. I don’t use the word cure because I believe it is not a sickness, but more of a reaction we get when being triggered by an external force or disturbance. Maybe the root of the intense emotions we feel come from trauma when we were younger, unpleasant experiences, pain, or fear. And it’s our subconscious knocking on our doors to encourage us to face the things we escape from, or simply acknowledge their existence so we can finally patch things up and move on.

Personally, I can say that my social anxiety developed from being an introvert—and not just simply being one but being someone who doesn’t fit common social groups. I think I grew up just fine though. I had friends in elementary, but when I entered high school I began to notice how different I was with my classmates when it comes to preferences, principles, and behavior. I didn’t like to chat that much and I didn’t often hang around with them. I enjoyed most of my subjects and I enjoyed learning a lot. I tend to get comfortable with quiet people—and kind—most of all kind. It’s an important characteristic to me so I want to be surrounded by kind people. Unfortunately, it hasn’t always been the case.

Most people are inconsiderate of other people’s feelings. They are rude and toxic and they don’t pay attention when others are talking. They tend to be superficial and don’t bother to look at that person’s beautiful mind or heart. For them, as long as you’re lively and funny, witty and good-looking; as long as you are useful to them, then you’re part of the circle. Of their team. It’s rare to meet people who really do pay attention and who genuinely care; who see the inner qualities one has: the brilliant mind and kind heart. I think it is humans’ tendency to judge quickly that made me not like them very much. But I still want to help them, in any way I can.

Not getting reciprocated for my intentions, feelings, and actions has been an issue for me. The series of unrequited love; the feeling of not being enough for a lover or an ex; all of them building up slowly until I realized I was getting overwhelmed and it was harder to breathe. When I was younger I was constantly made fun of being fat by my family and relatives, setting the first block in the house of my insecurities. I was quiet and not socially-inclined that my sister once asked me if I was autistic, maybe as it looked like to her as a quick explanation to my behavior, or probably out of frustration because she was always told to look after me. It hurt me at that time because I didn’t know yet about autism, and regarded it as something ‘not normal’ like most people having stereotypes assume. It was later on when I learned that I shouldn’t have felt hurt by that remark because there’s nothing ‘bad’ about autism and what my sister said then was an insensitive remark. Well, we were both in our teens then so we wouldn’t have known better. It is amazing to think how my family’s seemingly ‘innocent’ opinions and remarks have left a great deal of impact on me as I grew up. It made me think how crucial their role is, and the immediate peers’ to one’s emotional development. It seems experts are right when they say it all begins in the family.

How about school? A place where we should have felt safe and accepted, but then again, it hadn’t been always that way. There came a time when I scolded myself for placing a big chunk to my classmates’ role in my high school life. Maybe I sorely wanted to belong somewhere that’s why I tried to please them. I don’t remember myself being a mean classmate. I wasn’t perfect (I still am) but I tried to be helpful in subjects and in their personal problems. It was also then when I first noticed that I’m more of a listener than a talker—and I didn’t mind it a bit. I thought, as long as I could be of help then it was okay. It was late when I realized that deep inside, all I wanted was someone to do the same to me as well.

It was in my sophomore year in high school when I started to suffer from a severe case of stage fright. I really didn’t know how I came to acquire it when I was confident in front of people since kindergarten to elementary. I was even given tasks of reading passages and program notes during those times. So I was really confused what happened to me. Until now I still get those panic attacks when being in front of a crowd, or when I have to read something aloud, or make a phone call. Geez, even just by making a damn phone call to report an internet connection issue has made my throat constrict, palms sweaty, and voice shaky. Oh, I so hate it when my voice shakes just by merely talking to someone on the phone, or when I get nervous or heightened by a verbal argument, or when I have to approach someone for the first time, or just whenever my voice decides to sabotage me. And it was also the reason why my classmates used to make fun of me in high school. It was the reason why I’m afraid to make mistakes because I don’t want to be laughed at. I don’t usually get close to people and be touchy-feely with them because I often get sweaty palms when I meet new people or anyone I don’t know much yet.

In college, we had speech communications classes and I feared them. So much. I did poorly in two of them because both required doing speeches in front of the class. Oh dear I had a breath of relief when I completed those and passed. And that’s why I chose Writing as my major and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Visually speaking, I don’t dress up and style myself like how other women present themselves that’s why sometimes I feel conscious when I walk in public; fearing I will be secretly judged. I don’t have a nice set of teeth that’s why I get conscious having my pictures taken before, or when I smile; careful not to show too much of it. But later on I have learned to smile more and to love the smiles I make. It took me a long time to develop my self-confidence and I can say I do much better today than before. But still, insecurities are like a person’s shadow. They may not be visible always, but they always follow you around. The trick is to not pay attention. Whether they show or hide themselves, it’s up to us if we’ll let the shadows bother us.

When I think about these things, going back to what might have gone wrong, I get to know myself more and thus, I learn to love myself more. I am fortunate enough that my parents didn’t pressure me at school (I did study well though) in a way that they didn’t have to remind me and my sister to study every day, nor force us to take a specific course. They just let us choose what to take and even supported us when we shifted to the course we really liked. And now I’m having fun doing what I’m supposed to do in this life and I’ve just found a new joy in writing letters. I mean, I enjoy it already way back but more, this time.

I don’t know why I’m telling you all these things and I apologize if it gets centered around me when I was just thinking on how to help you deal with your own battles. Maybe, somehow, you’ll get to see something from my experiences that might be able to help you (hopefully). And to let you know that you’re not alone in this.

Hey, let me tell you that you are good at something that others are not. “Do not compare yourself to others. Do only what you can do,” is a quote from Little Witch Academia that has stayed with me since the moment I heard it.

What I have learned this year is that we have to know what works best for us and do it. We all have different techniques and strategies to deal with stress, toxic people, and challenging situations, so it’s okay if yours is different. We don’t have to be the same as others, anyway.

When you’re overwhelmed by an unpleasant feeling, think of a thing/s you are grateful at the moment. I believe it’s something that we won’t get run out of. It may be as simple as a catching your ride on time, seeing a rainbow after a heavy rain, or having extra minutes for lunch or snacks. Once you feel good let that feeling of gratitude envelop you in a warm hug. Breathe slowly and deeply. Do thing/s you enjoy doing just for yourself. It’s a way to recharge your internal batteries so you can run smoothly again; to share love and kindness to people around you, and especially to those you care about most.

Always remember how awesome you are. Really. You may be doing differently from your friends, schoolmates, or colleagues, but it doesn’t mean that what you do is anything less than theirs. You play a role at home, at work, and in the community. And in this world, every role is important.

Thank you for the gift of friendship—our friendship. And here’s to more years to come.

Cheers!

R.S/ F.