5 Years After (short story) [GL]

00.

~I will wait for you, no matter if it takes days, months or years. I don’t care, I will wait for you~

“You remember that? It’s been five years since we parted ways and I’m still waiting for you, Chloe.

“Jinn…”

“I-I searched for you, you know… Phone number, address, Facebook and all but I couldn't find you. You just became invisible all of a sudden, until today. What the heck, right? It was a long shot to find you here but I took the chance anyway. And I'm glad I did. Chloe, I missed you so much. How are you doing? What have you been up to?”

“Jinn, I… I just came here for personal reasons.”

“Like what? C’mon we have a lot of catching up to do today, yeah? I wanna hear more about you, what course you took in college, your work right now, where you live, and you… you showing up in our class reunion—unexpectedly—this means something, right?”

“Well yeah… I-I came here to show everyone that I’m not afraid anymore, that… That I can take anything they throw at me now in the open. That I’m not the person they—you—all once knew.”

“Okay… Wow… That’s… something. Haha. Good for you Chloe! You… you’ve really changed a lot.”

“Yeah… everything was unexpected. I didn’t get ready for anything actually… I just felt I have to do this. For myself… and for someone.”

“Yeah um… so about what I said earlier… um, you know—”

“About that, Jinn… Maybe we can talk about that somewhere else, right?”

Yeah, of course. That crazy throwback avenue sure wasn’t the best place to deal with our fragile pent up emotions, with all those glares, whispers and sneaky grins that were still shooting our backs. After all these years, the impression—no it would be an understatement—the stain we left is still there, in the false judgment and imagination of those who claim they know better. The painful yet beautiful moments I thought had already died in the walls and corners of the high school academy, seemed to come back again yesterday… the moment I saw her again. The love that sustained me all throughout, I’ve never looked at anyone but one person. And now my five years of torment has ended. After five, straight empty years, I now came back to life. For Chloe… For us. And I’d like to think she feels the same.

01.

The nearby campus clock chimes 2:00 in the afternoon which disrupts my thoughts. Where is she? I cross my arms, trying to somehow ease the nervousness in my chest.

“2 PM at Evan’s Diner, good?” I suggested and she agreed to it. Well, she’s never the most punctual person anyway, and I guess it won’t hurt to wait for her a few minutes or so. I’ve waited much longer before this, after all.

Lazy hour in a memorable place; once she comes then it’s a perfect picture—just like five years ago. Five years have passed and nothing has changed a bit in this place; it still has its homey, artistic ambiance we both loved. I remember how she used to admire the wood and glass furnishings, the paintings on the wall, the scribbles and mementos glued, stamped and hanged all over the place. And they got even more! We used to call this art museum and archive of late afternoon thoughts. Silly us, although we didn’t know whose words those were, those inks, those tears, those dreams, we still treasured them as if they were ours.

I remember us sitting here on our favorite nook, a semi-enclosed space with a round red couch in it. We found it cozy and private we can talk about anything, laugh or cry about everything. This was one of the reasons why we instantly fell in love with this place after all. Its wide interior has those private and secluded areas for small groups or for customers who just want their time alone. Or dates, as what I always called it. I love it whenever I teased her having dates with me here after school: a place we chose so we could spend time together eating, talking, or just simply to hang out. It’s our escape zone, our personal space, our sanctuary.

Well, I used to think that way ever since she started crying on me over her parents’ separation. Her folks parted ways, migrated with their new families, and she was left in her Aunt Jade’s care. That was awful, horrible. Seeing her that devastated broke my heart every single time. It was hard. Putting that charming smile of hers back was hard, but I’ve always prided myself for it; for making such efforts; for being her rock, her shoulder to lean on, punching bag, stress ball. It was my pleasure of being her crunches as she limped toward the last years of high school. I knew how difficult it was to have gone through those. If I could just carry her in my arms then… she knew that I could and I would—given the chance—but she didn’t let me. Will she now, this time?

The diner’s main door opens and my eyes immediately drift toward the figure who comes in. And there she is, all beautiful and ethereal; her glamorous long brown hair gently brushes the side of her rosy cheeks; her lips, a light shade of pink.

“My perfection,” I mutter to myself.

She spots me and heads to where I am. To OUR spot, like how we claimed it years ago.

“Ch-chloe.” I stand up to greet her.

I still can’t get over mesmerizing how matured her looks have gone. She in that long cream coat, black leggings and short boots. I instantly regret and wish to have dressed more than donning my usual denim pants and white sneakers. Well good thing I have my instant-glam cardigan in check.

“Jinn…”

I gulp at the sound of my name in Chloe’s lips.

“…can we sit somewhere else, please?” She says, halting the rising bubbles in my tummy.

She turns around even before hearing my response and walks toward the tables next to the glass window along the side entrance. I just sigh and walk behind her, not letting my confusion—or a trace of disappointment keep me off my tracks. Well, it’s too open for my taste but I have no choice. We won’t be sitting at our usual spot too, anyway.

I clear my throat and look at Chloe who’s sitting across the table. “Um, would you like to order something now?” I try sounding polite but it turns out awkward so I just smile to hide my embarrassment and overexcitement. I don’t want to screw up and end up irritating her like the past times.

“Yeah,” she said, staring at me—or is it more of studying me? Whatever, it’s making me damn blush. I clear my throat again and call the waiter. I’m thinking of ordering her pasta and iced tea but she orders first, and just a lemonade instead.

“Oh… so it’s your new fave now huh?” I grin while toying the bag of my black tea.

“Yeah. And you, same old favorite I see,” she said, pertaining to my newly-placed order. She still remembers then.

“Well, you look different now. Uh—I mean good looking different—um, NO—what I mean is good kind of different!” The panic in my voice makes me hate myself now.

“Many things have changed, Jinn… except for you, maybe?” I feel a sad hint in her voice. My forehead creases upon noticing.

“Jinn… I’ll go straight to the point now.” The seriousness of it lingers in my ears. “What you said in the reunion yesterday, were you serious about that?”

“It has been five years since we parted ways and I’m still waiting for you, Chloe.”

I laugh, thinking if she’s just joking or not. “Why would you think I’m not?” I find myself smiling, and it annoys me.

“You mean, all this time Jinn?” She shakes her head, clearly disappointed with my answer—or maybe with me?

“Yes. I told you then I will wait for you and I did. After all these years I did! You know me Chloe, when I say something, I mean it. I stick to it.” My voice is a notch higher and is a bit shaky as I try to control my emotions.

“I’m sorry I didn’t know…” Her voice trails off into somewhere distant I can’t grasp how far it is. Her eyes… there’s pity in her eyes that makes we want to I look away.

“I don’t know how to say this but—I don’t—I don’t know how to say this without hurting you even further. I know you’re hurt right now but…” She struggles to find the right words but I wonder if there are.

“Whatever it is just damn say it. I’m gonna get hurt one way or the other, after all.” I feel hot and heavy as I rest my elbows on the table to brace myself. My eyes wander until they rest at the painting across the hall, determined to avoid hers.

“… You just have to let this go, Jinn.”

Fuck. I never expected this coming. Just... fuck.

I sigh in bewilderment, “Is there… someone else? Is there someone else in your life right now?” I force myself to look at her, to closely inspect her reaction.

“There’s no else Jinn. Please, don’t make it look like I betrayed you or something because we both know I didn’t. So there’s no place for that else anywhere.”

I frown. It’s the kind of frown that probably makes me look ugly. “What did you just say? There was an us Chloe! What about us?” It’s hard to bring my voice down but seeing the passersby outside kind of helps me to keep my composure somehow. Now I know why she chose this fucking spot.

“There was no us Jinn. There never was. You know that.” She says it matter-of-factly that makes me annoyed more than ever.

“So what about our talks before huh? What about—what about our dates here? Us getting flirty with each other? We were always together. Don’t they mean anything to you, Chloe? I know there was something between us then! I know ‘coz I felt it. And I know you did too!” There is a stinging sensation in my eyes that I want to get rid of. But it stays there, annoyingly; blurring my vision of the woman I love.

“We were close Jinn, yes. I confided everything to you. Nothing about me escaped from you. We were best friends. I consider you a very important person then, but we both know we didn’t take anything further than that. We just stayed like that. I-I’m sorry if I looked like I was flirting you or-or if it looked like I led you on. I’m sorry if I did, Jinn… I’m sorry if you expected more and got it all wrong.”

It is her version of the story. I don’t know how it came out differently from mine but I’m sure that hers is wrong—definitely wrong. I’ll make her remember everything right now.

“We stopped there Chloe. I stopped there ‘coz you didn’t want me to. The whole school was already talking about us. The admin accused us of delinquency and threatened us with our diplomas on hold. Your aunt despised you because of it. You didn’t want to be disowned nor be cut off the money for college. That’s why I understood your part. When you pushed me away, I did go away… to give you the peace of mind and time to think things through. You said you needed to be away from me, from all of those memories, and so I let you. Even if I didn’t want to, I let you do what you wanted, ‘coz it’s what you needed.” I take a deep breath. “But Chloe… I told you I was gonna wait for you. And I was serious about it. I still am.”

“Yeah, you did say that… but c’mon Jinn, haven’t you tried to live a bit more for yourself instead of wasting it on me? On waiting for something that is uncertain?”

“It’s because I love you.” That’s it, I finally said it. “You… you loved me too, right? You were just afraid at that time but you loved me too, right? Even just a bit? Right, Chloe?” It sounds like begging for her to say yes but I don’t care.

“Jinn, I was a mess at that time—my parents gone—the rumors with you. I can’t afford to lose my last relative if I screw up. I was young then and yes, I was afraid, confused, and weak. I didn’t know what I feel at that time for you. If there was, I was too messed up to even consider going out with you, and getting serious with you. You were too good just to be fucked up by someone like me. I knew then you deserve someone much much better—and it’s not me.”

“God, Chloe you were never the lesser woman between the two of us. You have no idea how I desired for you to be with me. You were my ultimate dream! I was ready to fight for you, you know that. I was… I was ready to fight for us! But you didn’t let me.” I clench my fists, so tight I can feel my nails clawing my palms.

“Because the timing wasn’t right!” Chloe bursts out. “It has never been right for the two of us! Can’t you understand that, Jinn? We’re not meant to be.” Her jaw clenches, stopping the tension from rising. “We couldn’t be together then. No matter how you look at it, no matter how many times you think about it. It couldn’t be the right time for us. We’re still young, dependent, we have to follow our families, go to college, fix ourselves… our lives. If ever we had forced our little selves into the adult world right away, what do you think would’ve happened to us? Probably we have been no better teenagers, probably a lot worse, maybe damaged or broken beyond repair.” She pulls a deep breath.

“I know. That's why I waited, right?” My words come out tired. “You said you wanted to prove yourself, continue your studies, explore more, to have your life right. I understood that. But I let you know I was gonna wait for you, and I did. I didn’t let anyone in because until now I’m so in love with you…

…Chloe, we can start a new life together now that we’re finally settled in.” I try to reach out for her hands.

“Jinn… do you think it's that easy? That after all these years we’re just going to walk into each other’s lives as if nothing has changed because of what you think is a chivalrous or romantic deed? Things are different now, and I’m sorry but nothing can change what already is today.” She doesn’t let me touch her.

“So all this waiting—it was—I was just—a stupid, stupid, fucking loser, right? Wow, this is too much to handle for five years,” I let out exasperatedly.

“I-I’m sorry I hurt you, Jinn. All this time… even then, it’s all what I’ve been doing to you. But what should I do? Return your feelings because of what you did all these years? Because you just made me feel compelled to do so? Because you expect me to feel guilty and pity you? Is that what you want?”

I hate how such words keep on repeating in my head despite how much I try to shut them down.

“I will wait for you, no matter if it takes days, months or years. I don’t care, I will wait for you.”

“I… I thought that when you finally cleared up your mind and found the guts you need you’ll realize that you love me too. That I’m worthy of your love… That of all people, I’m the most deserving of it.” I slump on my chair, exhausted.

“I’m sorry Jinn if I can’t return your feelings for me. It is such an overwhelming feeling, but it’s not fair that I’m the only one who’s at the receiving end. I thought that the truth is the least I can give you, and you deserve it.”

“To be honest, I’m devastated right now, Chloe.” I try to collect my thoughts as if there are still any, but I fail to fish something out from the deep murky waters of my sorrow. “All this time, I… I… I thought—”

I finally break down, drowning everything, every bit and piece. The lump in my throat no longer chokes me. The stinging in my eyes is getting washed away by more pain and just more pain. What was I waiting for? For her to give us a chance? For us to be together? It doesn’t make sense now. Nothing makes sense anymore.

“You don’t love me, Jinn—just the idea of me loving you back.”

With that, the last bit of any remaining sense I still have begins to dissolve.

“That’s bullshit Chloe! I fucking love you! Why on earth would I do all this shit of waiting every day of my life just for you? Why would I, if I didn’t?” I look at her eyes hoping she can feel the same pain I’m having.

“I feel sorry for those five years that you wasted on me. You must be regretting it by now.” I shiver at the coldness of her voice. The coldness in her eyes extinguishes the fire in mine.

Swimming in the dark sea inside me, I find myself with a grin. Cursing every breath I take in and out… in and out. Fuck you, I say. Or rather, fuck me.

I scowl at her and say, “You’re still the cruel and selfish girl I once knew.” Eyeing her shadowy eyes, I search for the soul of the person I got to be with for 4 years, but I only find that hard glint as clear as the droplets on the glass of her lemonade.

“Unfortunately, yes,” she responds plainly.

“Why Chloe… Why are you still pushing me away, AWAY, damn too far away from you? Did I do something awfully wrong for you to treat me like this? What have I done?” I say forcefully but as sincerely as I can.

“Jinn, please… just stop this already, would you? Look at yourself.”

I know, I look like shit.

“Stop wasting away anything for me anymore. Live for yourself. Live again after this. Move on, like what you should’ve done five years back.” She folds her arms and crosses her legs.

I stretch my neck to face the ceiling, taking a deep breath and letting it out, trying to calm my nerves down.

“What is that person like?” I pull back my head to look at her.

She unfolds her arms and sits straight, clearly surprised by what I said. She doesn’t answer right away and instead lets herself get lost in her thoughts. Oh fuck. She tries to hide it but her smile can’t escape my eyes. It is so warm I just can’t take it. She looks away, but I can still see that soft blush coloring her cheeks.

“Well, she’s warm and kind. Patient… persistent… loving.”

I knew it. She has someone right now. She can’t hide it away from me. “You really love her, huh.” I know you do, I whisper to myself.

Even if she doesn’t say it straight to my face; that sudden change of mood, that blushing when I asked about her, can’t escape me. And now I wish it could. “So, what does she have that I don’t have?” My voice erupts with sarcasm.

She raises her brows, clearly pissed off by what I said. Go on, be pissed at me.

“Well first off, her name’s Zein. We met in college, and just like what I did to you before, I pushed her away. I don’t know what she’s seen in me but every time I push her away, she comes back. She always finds me as if she really never goes away. Well, not too far, she said, only far enough to give you the space you want. And every day she has found me, until one day, it was me who got to find her first.”

“Well, it was lucky for her to be given such an advantage to be near you. Luck, timing, and a lot more than what I have. I wish I had those too,” I said with a funny shrug.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right. But you know what, she’s not the lucky one all this time—I am.”

I regret looking at her eyes the whole time she talked about that person. I close them and I wish she was wrong. I wish she lied. I wish I shouldn’t have asked that in the first place. I wish it was me who she was blushing for, who she was defending. I wish it is me who she has been in love all along.

I wish I could turn back time… and could change everything. Please, just let me wake up from this bad dream, I pray.

I raise my head and open my eyes. I’m hoping for everything to turn back to normal; hoping that this is just a bad dream all along. But she’s still there, sitting across the wooden table, my beautiful nightmare.

“Jinn, you will be okay, right? You have to.” I’m surprised by the softness in her voice. I can’t look at her so I just give a faint nod. I wait for her to say something more in attempt to make me feel less worse, but I don’t hear anything. Maybe she knows there isn’t such a thing.

“So, what are you going to do after this?” Her question strikes me clueless.

I don’t know, maybe go home and hang myself? Maybe you’ll change your mind about me if I do that, I answer her mentally. ”What do you think I should do?” I ask her with all honesty.

She doesn’t reply, surprisingly. Maybe she doesn’t know what to say. “That caught you off guard, huh? Now… tell me to forget you, to find someone who’ll love me too, to forgive you for hurting me like shit and—”

“Just be happy—not for anyone—but for yourself first.” She cuts me.

And then she smiles at me, for the first time after five years, for the first time with that matured expression. I shake my head as I realize that after those five years, everything has changed—except for me.

“Now go and do yourself that favor, okay?” she says, sending me off.

And so, for the first time after five years, I am the first to walk out the door, but I’m still the first to cry. I look at Chloe through the glass window and she is looking at me; maybe waiting for me to move ahead, to go on. And maybe, this is the last time that I’m going to see her there, sitting near that painting on the wall.

“You go first. I insist,” was what she said that made me go, finally go first.

No, Chloe, you’re not that selfish girl I once knew anymore. But heck, I won’t give you that satisfaction of hearing that compliment from me, I thought at that moment.

I sigh as I turn around the corner and walk straight to the path in front of me. I awkwardly try to whistle what I think is a funny yet broken tune—and that, I must say, is a pretty small step into making awfully new memories from scratch; hopefully, something I would take pride into, the next five years from now.

Author's Note:
It feels nostalgic reading this again and finally uploading it here. I wrote this in 2016 and If I'm not mistaken, this was the first short story I made (after college) that made me feel proud of myself. I can't remember a reason why I ended up making this angsty, though. I guess angst stories were the popular choice at that time, and I just felt up to the challenge of making one. 😅